Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
