I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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