it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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