So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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