i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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