I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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