I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
