I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
