i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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