i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
