Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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