that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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