Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you will always have a special place in my vag
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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