if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
