when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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