You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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