You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
