I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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