Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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