my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
