hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
two words...techno handjob
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
