Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize