I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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