She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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