We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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