When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
