I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
