when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
