My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
