I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
