Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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