He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
