I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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