Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
