The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
