Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
