Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
