i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
