Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
