I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
