my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
