ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
