hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
