My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
