...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
