I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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