Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just found puke in my bra..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
