gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
