i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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