I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
